WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
Just saw a man in a wheel chair using his feet to push himself backwards through a crosswalk... good morning Atlanta
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
Randomize
