Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
I thought he was joking about the hundred beer challenge until two guys showed up with a camera and boom mic. This cabin party is going to be fucked
i made up my own drinking game and i took a secret shot every time someone asked me about school or my future
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
See I just want a dick that I don`t have to deal with or talk to unless it is inside me. Is that so much to ask for?
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
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