what are u so afraid of ive smelled ur poop before
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
I might go to an NA meeting just to fuck that boy in the bathroom.
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
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