I texted him to clear the air a bit, apologized if I freaked him out. No reply. So I'm gonna go ahead and fuck someone in a barn tonight.
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
he came on my stomach, took his sock off, wiped it up, put his sock back on along with his shoes and left.
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
Randomize
