if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
if you don't let us come over today i'm not taking the second plan b pill. your call.
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
I love how when he said ecstasy pills both of our heads whipped around like a couple of horned owls.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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