You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
I thought I came here to hook up, not for a Study Abroad 101 session
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize
