I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
I just blindly shoved it in. I'm still not sure which hole I got.
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
still drunk on my way to class to give my presentation on the negative affects of alcohol on the body. hell yes.
Randomize
