I think scott just propositioned me for sex
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
It was huge And he was twirling it around. Im telling you, beautiful wonderpenis
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize
