Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
am i gonna have visuals on this?
you are gonna see the trees puking up fireworks and ninja pheonixes will shit rainbows and fire
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
Randomize
