I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
dont get me wrong, i like when a guy is into my boobs but when he started saying mama i want milk let me suck, i gathered my shit together and bounced.
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
I have accepted that I am a sexual predator. What I can't accept is the lack of sexual men for me to seduce in this town.
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
Randomize
