Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
Ethically speaking on a scale from 1 to morally wrong, how wrong would it be to give babies ambien? Hypothetically speaking.
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
was i wearing any clothes at that point?
socks and a thong
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
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