he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
The same guy who pierced my nipples just told me he can help tutor me in precalc.
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
I'm really ok with inappropriate relationships. They are my favorite of all the relationships. No need to be timid. For crying out loud.
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
Randomize
