There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
WHY DIDN'T ANYON E TELL ME SHE WAS SIXTEEN
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
Just got blown on the bus in front of abot 20 ppl. Lots of high fives.
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
My vagina supports interfraternal relations
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
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