On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
I hate csi yet I find myself watching a full marathon. I am also eating hotdog buns stuffed with barbecue chips and they are quite tasty
I miss the pre Covid days when we could meet men in bars. Hitting on guys in the grocery store is just depressing
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