my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
Whoever labeled dysfunctional a bad thing obviously never saw this frinedship coming.
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
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