Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
Randomize
