if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
sunday morning discovery: something purple, smelly, and sticky my hair. any suggestions?
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
Trying to decide who to DD on the fourth and I came up with a Who's who of guys I've hooked up with in the last month. Not an ideal situation, but I have a feeling it's gonna happen anyway.
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
Randomize
