Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
Pros and cons of selling your underwear to a guy on craigslist. Go.
Come down off the roof.
I'll just have to do enough fangirling for the both of us. Nipples engaged.
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
But is that really the name you want to scream out during climax?
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
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