i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
i just rolled a joint on the giving tree. that book has given me so much.
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
she said that no one there was hot enough for her so she then proceeded to give the passed out person a lap dance because he was "her type."
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
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