I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
are any of them hardcore sluts...just absolute worthless human beings? if not the paper wins
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IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
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Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
Pride is not for the college student young Padawan. Tequila is for the college student.
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
sam was dropping a deuce next to me. wrote me a note that said "glad we shared this experience." passed it under the wrong stall. the other guy picked it up. that's all I know so far.
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
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