Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
I'll put it this way. My grandkids felt that fuck.
They are making fun of natty and blackberries.
Tell them they are ugly.
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
if i actually get asked out by my dealer what could happen?
i don't know, but it probably involves bathtubs full of weed
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
Randomize
