Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
And then falling down drunk the next morning, concussing yourself and splitting your head open?
That was pretty sad, but you more than made up for it by using "concussing" in a sentence
just shaved my legs at the gas station bathroom before going to the club. is that too ghetto?
You know your in college when you decide house chores with games of beer pong...
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
I don't care how ugly she is, I can't turn down a free movie +bj. In this economy that's downright irresponsible
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
