Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
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