70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
what am i going to do when LOST is over? What am i going to get high to?
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
Randomize
