my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
Michael Bay diarrhea
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
You might have to deal with a coked up ex pan American gold medalist wrestler when you get back to the room
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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