He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
Totally passed out on the dealers bed after paying him all in ones so no, i dont think i'll be getting a discount soon.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
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