im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
I feel like abortions should bother me more
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
I just hope this isn't happening Final Destination style
Travis Barker would totally be Devon Sawa in this scenario
In attempts to Not be THAT GIRL in front of my new crush I will only drink a 12 pack instead of my normal case.
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
I'm shivering and sweating at the same time. Thanks a lot St. Patrick.
What do you mean when you say no pre-party sex?
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
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