I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
The walk of shame has never felt more glorious... I think it's the somberero
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
yea last night was a repeat of newyears...exept this time it ivolved a fish costume, throw up, a hole in the roof, and cops...lots of cops
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
Randomize
