and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
yea, their son has been arrested on more than one occassion, their daughter is pregnant and their other daughter graduated but she was adopted, so clearly genes are everything.
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Randomize
