please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
Single handedly the worst sex I've ever had just went down. Its like we both laid there after word-less thinking about the other " could they be any worse in bed" ?
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
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