I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
Just letting you know that while you peed your pants in that guys jeep, The orgasm I had made my hair fall out... Good morning.
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