I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
after he gave me a diploma for giving him amazing head, getting a regular diploma isnt all that cool.
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
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