he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
i told you i was taking the Metra Train, and you asked what type of drug that was.. so yes i believe you when you say you were fucked up
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
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