You should just wear a sign that says "I like cheap Chinese food and anal"
I like taco bell too
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
Randomize
