there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
I hope I don't blackout because this is awesome!
I'm in the dining hall. that same guy is here again, the one who sits alone and talks to his silverware.
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
Fail #1 I puked off the balcony onto the balcony below us and when I tried to pour water on it in the morning to wash it off it just went all over their deck. Sorry room 1342 but welcome to Jamaica
there were like 150 questions AFTER the application. you'd think for a store that has dick molding kits it'd be a joke
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
How does it feel to date your dad?
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
Randomize
