Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
Just found out my 21st birthday is on a Wednesday. The possibilities are cheap, as well as endless.
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
she went outside...danced, got some snow, and put cherry vodka in it. she was so proud of herself.
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
Randomize
