so wait, they're fucking, but it doesn't count as cheating cause they only do anal?
I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
Hahhaha I literally just rolled outta bed and went to get beer in my pj's and slippers. God I love graduating
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
he went down on me while I ate Oreos. I don't know what caused the orgasm.
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
Randomize
