dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
Can someone explain to me why guys are so fascinated w their dicks that they feel like they'll die if they don't send unsolicited dick pics
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
Randomize
