in spanish class. the girl next to me asked what Galapagos were. i told her they were islands. now she thinks Galapagos means islands in spanish
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
i don't care if its just a preseason game, my pick up a guy and suck him off in the bathroom skills are in midseason form
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
Yeah Greg found him eating out of a tuna can with a pill cap
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
Am I allowed to compare getting cum'd on the face to a warm summer rain?
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
Basically, I'm sure one day I'll look back on this part of my life and be ashamed....
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
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