Ambien. No doubt about it.
At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
do you remember your solution to not spill your drinks last night? .. Shots, that way you wouldnt have time to spill them. i love your drunken logic haha
I wonder if go pro can customize a cock ring so I don't have to hold the camera anymore
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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