I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
Just met a female bro. Things are weird at the rugby party.
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
and then he publicly announced her herpes on facebook.
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
You made out with two different species that night
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
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