Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
well I mean we knew we had more drinkers than runners, so we had a "case race for the cure" for relay for life instead of an actual marathon. day drinking and philanthropy. can't go wrong.
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
hell no. last time, i couldn't pee straight for a week.
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
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