Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
Oh my god. He likes it up the butt. But loves womanly support. Omg. Its bad. Its bad. Ive had too much whiskey for this to be ANYthing except bad.
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
woke up to find i out made out with his roommate before hooking up with him. breakfast was awkward to say the least
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
Randomize
