Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
Randomize
