Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
It sucks laughing and vomiting at the same time, trust me. I kind of remember
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
all im saying is 27 is too old to still be drinking 40s, you make more money than me, buy some decent shit
screw you you golddigging beer snob
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
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