Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
hahaha Yeah oh well, she wrote on my facebook wall, That's almost like a digital hand job
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
you asked "if this appropriate to take the the bathroom?" while holding up a bottle of vodka when you went to pee.
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
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