my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
So that's a yes to the cocaine usage and a no to the rollerblading
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
IM INA KID IN KING ATURHTS CUNT!
A Kid In King Arthur's Court? Like the movie?
CUNT. CUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUNT
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
I just deff did the walk of shame.. His roommate/manager woke us up. A dog scared me on my stumble to the car.
This is why I'm single.
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