so I have this game called 14 beers left. and we both have to drink 7 before we leave
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
We had sex on a dog bed..
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Randomize
