we were exchanging secrets last night... she told me about how she put markers in her vaj in middle school. found a keeper.
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
he said i balance and complete him. i feel sick
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
My love will cover her like lulu lemon yoga pants. Casually supportive and always complimenting your Ass.
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
Randomize
