community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
how do i act around someone who's shoes i puked in while naked and blackout?
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
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