Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
hey quick question, what would you consider to be a "first date" porn?
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
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