I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
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