Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
He has the fingertips of a God
Randomize
