As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
he's from indiana, of course he's clueless about "g-spots"
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
