Oh My! A car just drove by me a splashed me with a wave of water. I am drenched and soaking wet!
I am sorry--all I heard is that you are wet.
Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
On this version of “Dean Can’t Be a Normal Fucking Human,” I told a guy I’d shove a tv up his ass. Recreationally.
Plasma, LED or OLED?
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
