I would do horrible things to your vagina.
Prove it.
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
Randomize
